Thank you Wankmeister!
“You’re nobody till everybody in this town thinks you’re a bastard” – Elvis Costello
Good news! The Wankmeister has pointed out on his blog (available here) that my blog is a horrible batch of rubbish.
Now, I am a pretty big fan of the Wankmeister so for him to take the time to call out how crappy my blog is is only slightly less exciting than a phone call from Richard Feynman in which he says, “I read your article on Superfluidity and found it an atrocious miscarriage of critical thinking perpetrated by a grossly inept mind with a nearly non-existent grasp of the mathematical foundations of quantum mechanics.” To which I reply with glee, “You read my article!?!?”
Indeed. This public humiliation means more to me than any number of hits, views, follows or comments. Those things are only metrics designed to stroke or crush the egos of the millions of attention whoring bloggers like myself.
But cross-blogging? Now you’ve arrived. Two posts. Success. Thank you Wankmeister for launching me over the threshold of failure into the juicy realm of internet relevancy.
That said, I understand the real reason one blogger pans another: there is only a limited amount of love to go around in our incestuous little puddle of readers and no one likes sloppy seconds or worse, a two dude threesome. Nothing rattles the dominant lion more than an upstart male circling the pride, threatening to lure a few lionesses from his hard earned troupe of sexually mature females. After all, readership is the blogger’s Bondo that fills the holes left by unsatisfying careers, marriages turned grossly platonic, parenting roles made moot by years of inattention, and only mediocre successes in extra-curricular activities we volunteer huge chunks of finite free time to rather than improving the aforementioned, worthwhile pursuits. My blog may indeed suck balls but it nevertheless equates to a possible 57 fewer hits to someone else’s blog as my readers struggle through one endlessly long, grammatically suspect, content deficient sentence after another only to find themselves too exhausted to move on to the next electronic waving hand, frantic and shouting, “Over here! Over here!”
But I beg my readers to persevere and keep reading the Wankmeister’s blog even if you read this blog because not only is his writing excellent, humorous, and topical, but lately he has been unconcealed in his pandering to his readers. You are definitely going to hear about yourself over there. And if you recall my rules #1, #2, and #4 then you know you are getting a far better deal on the Wankmeister’s blog than on this egocentric, masturbatory exercise in self congratulation. So pace yourself when plowing through my rubbish, this isn’t a sprint, save a little for the run to the Wankmeister’s blog where you will be treated to acknowledgement and affirmation even if it’s affirmation that you suck.
And to the Wankmeister whose prose was largely my inspiration, a personal thanks and a request that you not feel threatened by my little upstart blog. Is there not space for a little RC Cola amongst the aisles of Coca Cola? Is there not a timeslot for a little Crash Test Dummies in the Breakfast With The Beatles lineup? Remember, nothing dresses up that awkward, post pubescent prom date in a tuxedo two sizes too small than placing him next to the homeless guy in newspaper pants, reeking of urine and stale malt liquor. Cheers sexy man!